Rambling

Well Good Morning to all ,I don't write often enough even tho i should...I find that i tend to write more when i have an issue ,but sometimes i think i just need to empty my head ..I am wrapping up my 3rd week vacation and feeling i have accomplished but haven't accomplished as much as i want..Its funny how a few years ago i really didn't care anything about my house but now its my passion.I want to do so much ..definately the key to a better future. I have to figure out exactly how.  I know i will get it done


i am actually sitting here having coffee as Vincent is still sleeping ,planning on going to down to see the Huge Duckie on the river even tho i said i wouldnt lol  sometimes we all swallow our own words ..

Now i have to get this off my chest because  i have no idea what is wrong with people and i guess i will never figure it out...Why are people so immature,or have the need for constant drama in their lives? I personally have no need for such things..I know i find it hard enough on most days to get through just normal day to day routines and accomplish goals without gay drama.  I guess it is better to make good choices and select my friends a little more carefully... I know i do have to really scale back  (Facebook)can be a bitch when not used properly.  Thats where i have to start making changes  i do know this people should just be deleted at the signs of constant negativity i am actually think a new facebook page would be better and starting over.....I am just rambling and i digress

Well it has been awhile since i have blogged,not really having any problems or anything but just decided to put some things down and empty my head a little.

I am about to embark on my 44th year on this Planet and learning day by day new things about myself and i didn't think that was possible at all but guess what it is. 1st i have discovered that i am drawn to people that are in need of emotional help i guess i have always known that i have a unique gift and i should embrace but lately its been more of a pain when you try to help someone it gets thrown in your face.I will chop it up to just a bad experience and move on.....

2.)I cant exactly figure out why my tolerance level for the gay life is down.Well maybe its because most cant be trusted ,they lay in waiting (patiently) to steal from you as soon as they possibly can or knife you in the back as quick as they can    I am putting it out there for most it is all about Dick and i dont mean Dick and Jane.. Its no  wonder most of our morals are questioned and why  Marriage being on the table is such an issue,because we are our own worst enemy.

3.)Work is kicking my ass ,every time i turn around i am devoting my time and life more to wards work and really have nothing to show for it,I am aggravated,frustrated because i cant get my house done ..

I will write more later ,but i do know this much   i have to set the goal now and really step up my game and rid my life of the people i just don't want in it anymore and learn to stick with it            especially those that i want to let go and they don't want to let go  The Manor awaits

Well here i sit awake at 6 am alone with my thoughts as i watch Angel repeats,thinking that sometimes a paragraph on facebook just isn't enough..

So many things have been happening since my last blog entry in November.I have gotten through the holidays and New store openings and a semi-promotion*In-training*.I have made some new friends and cultivated some old friendships as well. I am feeling exausted tho ...I am feeling drained and empty inside even tho i keep up the appearances because i dont want to be that person .

Maintaining 2 households isnt easy.Lack of support isnt easy either..  I just need to really zone into my peaceful place because i am on the edge

Oh the rambling of a person awake and tired

FAKE IS FAKE

WELL I DONT POST TO OFTEN BUT SOMETIMES I HAVE TO WHEN I FEEL ITS NECESSARY! I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED TO FORCE THEMSELVES ON OTHER PEOPLE AS IF THEY ARE DESPERATE FOR AFFECTION.I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW SOMEONE CAN BE FRIENDS OR FAKE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE AFTER THEY BASICALLY SPIT IN YOUR FACE?WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE FAGGOTS?  I WAS RAISED TO BE ABOUT IT OR NOT AT ALL..I AM READY TO STOP GOING OUT TO THESE BARS AT ALL THAT WAY I DONT HAVE TO BE AGGRAVATED .I ALWAYS NEED SO MANY ANSWERS.GOD HELP ME KEEP MY TEMPER UNDER CONTROL WHEN DEALING WITH SUCH INCIDENTS OF IMMATURITY AND DESPERATION.

Double Edged Sword

I had to put this into words because sometimes i look in the mirror and i dont know the person i am looking at....I realize that for as compassionate and caring as i can be i am equally heartless.*Today i said to a friend that if he passed out on the sidewalk i would just call 911 i wont even try and revive him..That is just not right to say and hurtful at the same time..Why am i this person? I really dont want to be the person that is not so nice but at the same time i just get tired of people pushing me around because i am kind to people.Well i guess i need to find the balance somehow and come back to the nicer me.

Well time to get up on my soap box,We went out tonite and had a few drinks which was fine but quite a few interesting things happened.For starters you have to love when someone that doesnt really have any self-esteem pushes themselves on everyone just so they feel like they are liked or appreciated..*No its not me because i dont have to do such things except be myself!I spent the early part of the evening sober and watched and couldnt believe the things you realize when alcohol isnt involved.I guess when you are a skinny,bi-polarish person that hates everything about themselves except their hair its what you have to do.Anyways continuing on to the drag-show   what has ever become of this city?Once upon a time when Armageddon was on stage there used to be an appreciation for the art. Drag takes alot of investment and time and this is how people are rewared  .Now when performers go on stage it looks like they are lucky to leave with 20 bucks on a good night...Its so sad that it has come to this  We need to get it together as a gay community...

Bad Bar Night

I cant believe how the gay lifestyle has dwindled down in Pittsburgh. I met Vincent at work tonite to go out for a drink afterwards.Much to my surprise after not being at Lucky' after several months that there was really no one out.Once upon a time it was packed on a wednesday night .I was very disappointed that there was only 1 dancer and the Dj didnt start spinning until later in the evening.Why has it come down to this?Is it because of social networking and the internet that has made it so easy to meet people that you dont have to come to the bars anymore?


I am a little tired so i will have more to say tomorrow    I digress

Random Rant

I was having a  conversation with a friend of mine yesterday and we were talking about how he now thinks he has the perfect relationship and a guy that doesn't look at other bois and has only eyes for him HA! Unfortunately i had to break it down to him and shatter his bubble.

1)Men are predators
2)Men are always looking at the next dick and str8 men are looking at women
3)The full story is never told *I was told that the guy had a partner for 17 yrs and no one strayed or played

Hmm in Gay Life I highly doubt it,the story is told according to what the person wants to hear!
4)Men are always sneaky *Chatting and texting sending dirty pics and think their boyfriends dont know what they are up too
5)Gay men are always trying to get something they dont have   rather they see a couple and they want to be part of it  or just trying to F*ck half of the couple


No one is ever 100 percent committed

Talking about sex with another guy other than your partner ,making plans to have sex with another is all a form of unfaithfulness

Its a shame when u have to keep it 100 about the lifestyle because some people like to be Naive...

I think all men should be real with themselves  There is a slut in most men and they need to not try and say that there isnt

just a random rant

UGH WHAT A DAY

GOOD EVENING,I AM FINALLY HOME AND I  HAVE TO SAY THIS IS TOO MUCH OF A DAY FOR FACEBOOK TO BE ABLE TO HANDLE,LET ME TELL YINZ....I THOUGHT TODAY WAS GOING TO BE AN OK DAY BUT I GET TO MY CAR AND THERE IS YET ANOTHER $20.00 TICKET,THEN THE ASSHOLE RECIPIENTS OF NON -DESERVING GOVERNMENT FUNDS WERE OUT IN FULL-FORCE TODAY..TOTALLY RUINED ANY ENJOYMENT OF THE WEEKEND.tHEN ON TOP OF THAT BEING WORRIED THAT MY MOM HAD TO HAVE A STINT PUT IN HER HEART THANKFULLY THAT WORKED OUT.

I AM GLAD I AM HOME AND AWAY FROM PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE I NEED A BREAK!I WAS WITH PEOPLE ALL DAY YESTERDAY *THAT I LOVE* DONT GET ME WRONG  BUT I JUST NEED MY EMOTION RE-BUILDING QUIET TIME RIGHT NOW!

I DIGRESS

A MAN WITH CAHOONAS

I HAVE TO SAY HONESTLY PEOPLE ARE REALLY TRYING TO PUSH MY BUTTONS!LAST NIGHT I WENT OUT,AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT AND OF COURSE A DRUNKEN IDIOT HAD TO RUIN THE NIGHT! 1ST HE WAS INVADING SPACE, 2ND) IMPLYING THAT I AM RACIST BECAUSE I DONT HAVE AN INTEREST IN BLACK GUYS PER- SAY 3RD)IMPLY THAT BLACK GUYS DONT DRIVE 4) TO CALL ME A RACIST BUT TURNS AROUND AND TRIES TO START TROUBLE WITH A WHITE FRIEND OF MINE.. WELL I HAD  ENOUGH AT THAT POINT AND DECIDED TO PUT HIM IN HIS PLACE(HOWEVER I WAS THE ONE THAT WAS WRONG) BECAUSE HE WAS DRUNK ,AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO COWARD OUT ...ITS NOT IMPORTANT PEOPLE WERE SAYING ,CALM DOWN....WTF   SOME PEOPLE NEED TO BE TAUGHT A LESSON ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE WERE PREVIOUS PROBLEMS WITH THE GUY BEING KICKED OUT OF THE BAR..SOMETIMES PEOPLE DONT LEARN UNTIL THERE IS A FOOT IN THEIR BROWN EYE!

I HAVE TO SAY THAT MY PATIENCE IS VERY THIN! VERY THIN!

THE PROBLEM WITH QUITE A FEW GAY MEN I THINK FEEL THAT THEY ARE WEAK,THEY HAVE A DICK BUT NO BALLS!WELL THEY MAY AS WELL HAVE A VAGINA..

ITS FAR BETTER TO SPEAK UP THAN COWER OUT!

ANYWAYS THE NIGHT DID GET BETTER AFTER I CALMED DOWN A BIT AND THE WORK DAY TODAY WAS DESCENT

I AM TIRED  I DIGRESS

Off Day

Well its lunchtime and i have barely moved i guess thats why they call it a day off LOL However i think i am going to get myself motivated and at least walk to the store for Fish oil,I hear this is good for your health and ur heart.With that being said  i also need to work out  a solid plan for getting The Manor Done ,,,Ugh it kinda sucks when you are limited on funds.Pretty soon i will have to sell my ass on the streets in order to raise money*Sigh*but as the saying goes where there's a will there's a way right? The crazy thing is i do have some friends that have the know how and whatnot but getting everybody together to deliver on what they say they will help me with is challenging in itself.Oh well i will figure it out soon enough i think and i hope    I digress    Showertime

Ramble Time

Here it is the Fall already and I am settling in to a quiet evening at home with a cup of hot chocolate and my favorite tv show love it or list it...I have made a change in stores since the last time i blogged and I definately had made a change for the better.It has helped me think alot more positive about work and that helps me alot mentally.I am still keeping options open by all means but i am also satisfied as well.Now the personal stuff......I am bowling again *which i thought i wouldnt do again* but thanks to my friend Tim he convinced me to do it and so far i love it..I am working on great new friendships,keeping old ones and just loving that too.I guess thats why i dont blog as much anymore because when i originally started i had alot of issues to work thru.I think i should start blogging about the good stuff too it only makes sense...I ramble but thats what a blog is for  I digress

Sunday Morning

Well here it is another end to another weekend and I am a little tired but i had a great time.I realize every weekend how blessed i am.I love being with friends ,cultivating friendships,and making new friends.Now i have to decide what to do for today.Actually i think that Jayson and Jason are coming to see me before they head off to Erie to start a new chapter in their lives.I actually think i need a new chapter as well or at least turn the pages so that i can get to the next chapter whatever that may be.I know that my Home is a big part of a New Chapter and that where a main part of my focus should be....Also I need a new Career..This one just doesnt do it for me anymore.I really feel i have lost the part of me that made me one of the Best Managers,*Which is I am not nice anymore* I feel the need to be a Bitch before i am actually nice to someone and that is so not cool and i know it! ..My David has thrown out some options of career choices *Paths i can travel* so i need to make some decisions.

LIfe is strange

It has been awhile since my last post (once again) I really havent had anything to complain about ,but i guess one would say well why dont you write when there are good things happening? I would agree with that..I have been making things happen..I have been increasing the number of friends i have,Charmed manor is coming along as i become more focused,Vince and I have move to a new store front/apartment.I have to figure out my next move for employment tho...its the last thing that is really holding me back...anyways oh i forgot a few negative things did happen to me over these past few weeks   I had to replace a fuel pump in the car and then after i had it back for a week   i was out at the bar and someone through a brick through my passenger window,Sigh but inspite..inspite i kept a very cool head about the whole thing.I actually puzzled my friends that i was so calm...i am growing mentally,and i contribute that to having supportive friends and Vince.I have to admit i love this new apartment with the exception of parking its very relaxing.....i have slept so much better since being here...Well i am going to say   I digress

Whirlwind weekend

I honestly have to say it was one hell of a weekend,after finishing up a long 51 hour work week...Christmas eve was spent with Vince and his family and then Christmas morning much to my surprise we received devastating news...my moms best friend passed away overnight.It was so heartbreaking to see my mom so upset.It is horrible to lose a best friend,I really just had started to get to know her so well after spending lunch with her and my mom everyday.So Christmas weekend wasnt as enjoyable as it could have been.I miss her already,lunch wasnt the same without her laughing with us .I could still hear her voice and her laugh.She is still that alive in my heart and head.I cant believe we just had lunch together friday afternoon..SO sad.I just hope she wasnt in pain when she went home to god.I hope that her sons can find peace in knowing they had a great mom .I think i have wrote enough for now because i am starting to feel emotional     I digress

Charmed Manor

Well i have to admit so many changes have been happening at such a fast pace its hard to keep up.The holidays are here,I have my house (Charmed Manor) to work on and my mind is just spinning in 50 different directions.  I never expected to have my house back after fucking up so bad and just walking away from it ,unfortunately now I have 2 yrs of catching up to do ...I am really coming down so hard on myself because i let it get to the point where i trusted people to do right by me and that didnt happen...But however now i am back and getting better than ever strong willed and never making the same mistakes again...I actually cant wait to put the holidays to rest so i can do what i have to do to get myself motivated to rebuild Charmed Manor...

Good Things

Well i havent written in my blog for a long time and so many things have happened.I made it through Thanksgiving and just waiting for Christmas to come and go as well.However cutting to the chase of one of the most amazing things that has happened.I have my home back after moving out to leave it to my ex for him o have a place to live ,so i could be with my current..I screwed myself for 2 men however in the long run i was able to recapture what i lost.I am very excited .Also i had one of the most amazing weekends making new friends and learning new things now time to keep pushing forward.

WHere are my dreams!

I woke up this morning after a good nights sleep that doesnt come all that often and i had this empty feeling,It wasn't a bad feeling or a whoa is me feeling but I just asked myself why dont i have any dreams that i want to achieve.Once upon a time i had the american dream and i dont really anymore and now i feel a little lost.I just feel empty.I have discovered something about myself that i have been doing a long time but didnt know the right terminology for it until i was watching Deal or No Deal the other night.Its called Paying it Forward...I honestly think i have been doing it for so long (Its a great thing) but there really isnt any me anymore.That is a huge part of me however has it left me at the point that the half of me that needs to live for myself sometime just gone?I am the biggest critic of myself.I dont really know how to live for myself,go out find my own dreams,.Guiermo My *Bestest Friend* is teaching me alot without knowing he is teaching me alot.Its always an adventure hanging out with him no matter what it is is never a dull moment.He is the white version of me....That really didnt have anything to do with the blog but it hit me while i was writing so it went to my finger tips lol. I hope to find my own dream soon   I digress

Getting some prospective

Good Morning ,I havent blogged much lately because i am pretty mellow yellow right now.I am on staycation and loving it so far.It was a beautiful weekend even tho i had to be there for Guiermo when he put down a family pet.It was a ruff moment but a bonding experience plus i know he would do anything he could for me .I am starting to get really anxious by the fact that we are moving sometime over the next few months.I still feel unsettled .I expected not to move around alot once i moved into my house but here i am ....I also know that this isnt a stationery move .I lik eliving in a house doing whatever and being able to do whatever i want to the place .Oh well it will come again because thats where my heart lies ,eventhough i have no problems with our apartment now but i know what i prefer.Anyways i have finally started to decide on how i am shaping my financial future and what needs to happen to make it alot more secure for myself.(A huge Plus) I guess i should decide soon what i want to do today  Mall shopping possibly with The G and V maybe go see Tim j My buddy ..We will see I digress

Once again I stand alone

I always try to remain positive for friends and family ,facebook but sometimes things just arise that break you down and make you feel like absolute shit.Today i took my mom for foot surgery *Yes very Minor*surgery but its a principal that i am talking about  No One was there for me .My brothers never came to see about their own mother once again....I sit alone in the waiting room after being choked up seeing them wheel her away to the OR yes once again Minor Surgery  but i hate hospitals and i always feel that every time someone is wheeled away it could be the last time you see them *Inner Fear*.I sat alone while other families  Yes families and Spouses were there for other people with minor surgeries Just for support but once again I was alone...What hurts my heart the most is that I can be there for everyone else Lending a hand,lending an ear,a shoulder to cry on but the ones i love the most never asked do you just want me to sit with you ,It just goes to show so many people are out for themselves .Granted i probably would have said no if someone did ask if I wanted someone to sit with me ,but it would be nice to have an option.The Option never came.I will continue being my selfless self because i dont really expect anything in return and i want to continue being that good hearted person my grams always wanted me to be. often people do get what they deserve for being selfish my brothers included  I digress