Holding back the tears...

Its such an effn emotional time right now  what the hell is going on??/ I have finally found some happiness for myself... but all at the same time i have friends in great pain......I just found out tonite that a dear friend of mine lost his mom  which she was like a mom to all of us...She was a  beautiful lady with a fun loving spirit...She laughed with us partied with us and moreless not just a mom but a friend...Even tho i havent seen her in years its so hard to say goodbye...Death is a part of life but why does it have to hurt so damn bad.....I dont even know what to say to scott even tho i know i have to call....Sigh  I need to get some rest i am not thinking clearly righ tnow

Empathy

I am filled with so much emotion right now..Love ,worry ,anxiety,nervousness...I am so worried about my best buddy D.I. He is in such a dark place right now..I love him so much and i want to do everything i can to help pull him back to the top but it seems like everytime i grab his hand he slips..It makes me so sad ...Cause he always makes me laugh and i dont want to fail him now...I dont know what to do?I guess keep reaching for his hand is the best thing to do ...

Love Omg  the amount of attention and love i am being given right now is so off the chart amazing. I am nervous because i now have the power to make changes and embrace a new destiny or at least expand on...my current...I no longer feel that the world is on my shoulders at least not totally thanks to my on piece of happiness... anyhow i am just tired and rambling right now its a half hour past my normal bedtime  I digress

Light to my Darkness

I was thinking back to when i started writing my blog and I named it Ef My life because i was in a dark bitter place of not having alot of money....Stressing,so called friends driving me crazy,reliving the nightmare of being robbed 3 times,Vincents new store opening,....Yada yada....but since then things have started to change...I started deleting a few of the negative people and i was rewarded with better...I have a new great friend Lou thats a little bit older than me but he helps me reason and makes me see that things are not that bad and for that i am truely grateful....Then I have Tim J..That I met face to face for the first time on our Bday,,,he makes me laugh and it seems that we are so evenly matched wit wise that we were seperated at birth  He make sme laugh and so so easy to talk too....Then I have Master Tim D We have known of each other and talked in the bar many times.I was always so intimidated by him because he is a leather guy and i am your average preppy boy but over the week of my birthday we decided to take it to the next level and hang out  outside of the bar,,,I am glad I took the chance to get to know him as well because under the hard core shell lies a gentleman...Then there is David P..another guy very handsome man that i just hung out with in the group in the bar...had no idea that i would be pursuing a friendship other than the bar but then it hits me he is a good guy as well and yea give it a shot....Ross I cant forget about Ross ...He sees the special person in me and he is awesome as well...These are all my newest friends Btw not to slight my other friends.....but in a nutshell its because of them that i am able to move on and balance the other parts of my life  they lift me up high,in most cases treat me like an absolute king..sometimes they pamper me in material things, for the most part they pamper me with love and affection....I am so so so grateful to these guys for giving me light to my darkness!!!

I actually dont have a whole lot to say in my blog right now....Its Monday after a heavy party weekend so i feel blah but alot of interesting things happened so...It was worth it..I learned how much my friends do care about me and then some maybe not so much...I have become better friends with a few people that turned out to be really interesting...I have gained a great friend that pals around with me and doesnt judge totally understands me ....its amazing how some people are sent to you when you need them ...I had been in the deepfreeze for a little while now cold dark trapped in my mind...Now not so much  I digress....

Torn

I am about to celebrate a 42nd birthday tomorrow but it feels so weird to try and be happy when people around me are so sad.....I have so many emotions running through my head right now.....On 1 hand i am happy because i had a great visit today from the Vp of stores ......I am sad for Vince because of his best friend was taken ill suddenly and i know that is hard....I am nervous about taking on a new part time job even tho i dont want to...I am building a great new friendship that is so much fun for me it takes me away from the rest of the problems..Everything is sooooo overwhelming its beyond belief...then on top of it i dont sleep because of i constantly worry about my mom not that she is ill but just because...So it takes it toll...The saying goes that good black dont crack but i know if i continue on certain paths i will age not so graceful anymore and thats the last thing i wish to happen.....I guess for now i have to hold onto the 1 true piece of happiness that i have been holding so dearly right now and its all mine so i cant even share it on my blog...I digress

Who would have thought?

It has been 1 hell of a start to the beginning of May.My birthday week,,,,I went to Columbus for the weekend and had a great time....I dont get away much but it was so nice to do something for myself for a change...Then Osama Bin Laden paid for his Crimes with his life...Its kind of funky to and less human to be happy about someones death...O well...Now i am watching Dancing with the starts and letting my mind just wander unto other thoughts...I am really in the twilight zone right now