ROCK AND A HARD PLACE

You know sometimes its hard to have desires,wants ,needs wishes...Every cloud has a silver lining...Blah blah blah.i think i have managed to find a few silver linings,however it doesnt totally solve the desires part of it. Even tho i will never share my true desires with anyone because they are very dear to my heart  i can share a wish. I wish  i didnt have to always work so hard for what i want....I am a good man,I am there for my family,my friends   but i can never catch a break for myself...I dont ask for much (However i can say that 1 of the best rewards is that i have new people in my life tha tare absolutely wonderful) I just wish i could catch a break!  No pity  party here tho......I had a distant thought of thinking i should just sell drugs or something  but i know i would get caught....O what to do i have no idea,,,,,,but when you know its not working the way it is you have to do something to get ahead...   what does 1 do when you are 42 and confused and conflicted?

EMOTIONS

I WAS THINKING TO MYSELF TODAY HOW OVER THE PAST 6MONTHS MY EMOTIONS HAVE BEEN SO OVERWHELMING,HOPE HAD BEEN LOST,SOMETIMES I FELT I COULDNT GO ON....HOWEVER I DISCOVERED I HAVE REASONS TO HOLD MY HEAD UP ...I AM LOVED...(DEARLY) GRANTED i HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN THAT, BUT I BELIEVE IT NOW AND MY EMOTIONS HAVE BEEN SO HIGH THE PAST WEEK I JUST WANT TO JUMP OUT OF MY SKIN  I AM GOING TO RIDE THE WAVE FOR AWHILE

Friends

It is so amazing to think that i went through part of my life without the great people i have around me right now.. I   love my guys and girls...Everyday i have someone new to chat with and talk to listen to and hang with ...I think i really had to do something right along the way..I sometimes wish that i didnt have to work so that all i had to do was spend time with my peeps LOL thats a fantasy unless i hit the lottery LOL.. I digress  I feel special

THE ICING ON THE CAKE

So many things happened over these past few years that just have yanked my brain in so many different directions  I feel numb  just plain numb.I am in an emotional limbo now that my Mom just told me today that its a possibility that my baby brother could get 20-40 years in prison Fuck MY LIfe..My heart is hurting because i love my little brother alot because inspite of anything that he has done He values family the most just like I do..I know I have to keep a strong faith just because I know if i let go for 1 second I will lose all control .I fight everyday to keep my sanity.I feel the sadness behind my eyes..Sometimes only drinking and forgetting everything is what makes me feel better. It is really unbearable to think i could never see my brother walk free after this My mother could never see him walk free again  and That KILLS Me Inside  Kills me inside i cant even begin to explain that..I digress,,,I cant keep writing because i am feeling overwhelmed

Foolishness

I had the most interesting weekend with friends,,,Too bad  1 friendship ended...O well i never push my beliefs off on someone and hate them to do the same,,,Luckily i am not starving for friends so loosing him wasnt a huge loss  I digress,.,I am so exausted   ..I made it through the day and pretty much just want to be quiet...I dont know what i am going to do this summer once V season finale is over (yeah that was random) LOL I did say i was very tired..I digress ,,,I can barely keep my eyes open

What Grinds My Gears

This topic i can actually take and run 10 miles with it.....I guess as I get older i grow more stubborn ,impatient less tolerant  blah blah etc etc..Sometimes i get angry at myself even   Time Management is my first topic of discussion...For instance tonite i chose to go out and do something that was meaningful to me like spending time with a friend instead of sitting in the house on the internet playing f armville or mindless games like i normally do...I think should i be finding a part-time job to feel the time where i do nothing..I digress....People that state the obvious just to make conversation BURNS ME UP.....People that lie to your face  Hate IT.....Ignorant customers blah blah..Laziness and people that have no drive..,....People that dont want to be friends when things go bad   ...I digress its almost time for bed

I PRAY FOR ANSWERS

Its always another day in the life of EFF my life..I always ask for answers before i lay down to sleep every night.I ask that th solution will come to me..I dont ask for wealth or riches because that is the wrong thing to do. I just wonder how do i move forward? Why do i always go backwards or am forced to go backwards...I am pretty much where i started  7 years ago...Everything that i accomplished doesnt mean much   Yes I have great friends Yes I have a great relationship but there is nothing else..My emotions are shutting down because of finances, its hard for me to feel....I make so many sacrifices Big ,Small...Really when is it my turn? I am nothing but goodhearted to the people I care about....Everyone tells me they understand what i am going through..No! I wish i knew what to do! I hate feeling this way I put up a great front for everyone i indulge myself in their problems so i dont have to worry about mine... I digress