Let me see what to type here...It was a very quiet evening I slept most of the evening away missed everything no pride no going out However the night wasnt  a bust at all. My body was like take a nap..Even tho i love a good drunken party in the streets or just being drunk period..I am taking care of something very important...."Myself". It took me a long time to realize at the end of the day who do you have to be happy with? I am celebrating the greatest Pride right now...Not even about being gay  I am proud  i have Courage. a Job.Inner Strength .I am proud that i am able to stand up to challenges and i can go against the grain and not really care if i am judged on it.I am Proud of the black man I am today that may not have alot to offer,  but alot to offer...I  finally have emotional highs moreso than emotional lows..I am rambling once again because of course after sleeping most of the evening I am wide awake now...O well I digress  its time for more beauty sleep

Anxious

Today was an interesting day slow start but i didnt really think it would be a crazy day..I anticipated a chill day for Lou's Birthday it went well even tho he didnt really want anything for his bday except my time and companionship but of course i had to get him something anyways.We went to see Vincent and he had made him a new design bracelet so he was pretty happy about that..The time just went to fast today I tried to hold onto every single moment cause it was so relaxing not a care in the world We even took a power nap and i never do that.Now i am sitting here back at my anxious point again..Thinking about the troubles of life.(Trust me I have embraced the happiness i do have of my life) I just cant be left to long to my own mind.I hope in a week the vacation will help keep me relaxed and really help my mindset on where i want to work ,can i make a second job work  should i...We will see  I digress

Burden

I feel so exausted today the heat kicked my butt made me feel worn down which in turn made me a little irritable..I feel like i worked twice as hard today to make up for yesterday when i couldnt really get anything done.Its really a shame when people become more of a burden than what they are worth. It puts alot more stress on me and my mind when i have the do twice the work when there are others who can step up to the plate and work just as hard..I cant use names once again because i wouldnt want to shame them.Its really bad when my hands are tied and unable to really do anything about it.You cant make an adult work...Its just amazing to me how a person can be j content with their perfomance. I have found a possible pt position for after i come back from vacation..I will be a bitch on wheels for sure working 2 jobs  O well i digress

My ANGEL

I am so well rested today.I had a very busy day however i started off with some very nice advice  from a friend that i will just call him (My Angel) for now..The things he said made alot of sense not that anything my friends say doesnt make sense however,In a nutshell basically LIVE ....Never wonder what could have been?He is right  It applies to so many things....We took the chance to open Vincents store No turning back  No regrets..Maybe a struggle but we can say we are doing it..(My Angel) may not always say things that i want to hear..but knows when to say the right things that make me say wow. i feel so much better..I had so much anger in me once upon a time and still flares up now and then but the raging  fire has been extinguished.Many reasons to be thankful and grateful.....I am glad i am taking the opportunity that has presented itself for me to know (My Angel) a little better .Yes i am keeping his name secret   He will be the only 1 that really knows who i am referring too. Lots of Love man!I should wrap this up anyways because it is bedtime   I digress

No answers

I am sitting here in a quiet cool bedroom kinda thoughtless and typing not sure what i want to say or what i can say or if at times i may say too much .Who the hell knows?I think sometimes i am damned if i do and damned if i dont....I have always like to be the 1 to push the envelope a bit or step outside the box.I am rambling..I had a great weekend but somewhat of a crappy day...I accomplished quite a bit but i wanted to be any where but there...I just couldnt keep my emotions and my thoughts in order....It happens...I made some decisions that raised  some eyebrows, stirred the pot of  unconventional ,....Hell i am not even quite sure what it all means in this pot?This is greek to me  True Story..I joked at first about the whole 2 bf thing because i know people fear what they dont understand typically but then it kinda turned out not to be a joke.I titled the other guy Bf as well because he stepped in not to take me away from  Vincent or to win me over it was never about anything of a sort he helps me emotionally keeps me balanced for lack of a better term..Both he and Vince would do anything for me...Both are giving me what i need right now  (MInds out of the gutter). ANyway  Once again i dont even know what it all means.What the next steps are..However i think i will keep them to myself when i know exactly what they are..I dont want to freak people out    I digress

Survivor

I am really a Survivor....I have had so much Shit dumped on me this year,from the struggles of a multiple break in  in a house I really never called home to dealing with the antics of Vincents gutter trash ex-boss that laid him off after years of service with no notice..To making sure we keep a roof over our head ..I manage to keep my head held high and in turn I have some absolutely amazing friends in all this turmoil....I actually already know what my next steps will be to ensure my future is happier some are already implemented but i have alot of work yet to do...I said in my facebook post I wont continue to be without I have gone without all my life and whatever legal way i see fit to get what i need i am doing..Step by step i am building a brighter future  I digress

ITS JUST EMOTIONS TAKING ME OVER

I have to say today was the hardest day and longest day of my life..I had to suffer through waiting to hear about moms well being and i have never been the patient person i just wanted to jump out of my skin..I would have to say that i was hit with almost every emotion that i could be hit with today...ANGER,FEAR,WORRY,BITTERNESS,SADNESS,ANXIETY,HATRED  if you could imagine all that rolled into 1 while dealing with a ghetto clientele on the first of the month then you know for sure how i was feeling.I felt everything that i have been feeling over these past months and hiding from everyone.I hate feeling that way.Its ugly and destructive and no good can come of it..Luckily there are a select few that can reel me back in..I did learn from this experience that i need to spend a little bit more time with my mom,and that nothing too much else matters.make myself happy stop trying to be the 1 that pleases everybody Focus more on my needs as soon as i can figure out exactly what they are...I fell off the path I need to think of what my dreams are  and how to attain them... I am rambling so  I digress