LOve ya TJ

I cant believe here is another weekend the holiday weekend,I am actually looking forward to kiss fms party pod weekend because its old school dance party music and i get to see my boo..I gave myself a haircut tonite ugh every 2 weeks it seems i am cutting my hair or mansscaping..Ha..I wonder what Tim Johns is up too?He is mr wonderful.We are quickly building a bond and i love it.I seem to never really have to go without    1door closes another 1 opens such as life.We really have sooooooo much in common its almost like we are the same person.Kind Warm nurturing.....It is so weird to actually recieve that back once you give it out.  Thanks Tim for being you!! Fo Sho...I think i am going to finish my laundry and watch some Tv ,Call my boo      I digress

Clarity

Well it has been a better day of days I was moving around work like a maniac and I actually had a little sigh of relief today.I woke up with
mental clarity for a change.I actually really would love for this week to move along and get the holiday over with because i  plan to embark on a career change.I have really decided that i should do something different just because everyday i feel i want to just spit on someone and that isnt good by any means.I also have decided i need to isolate myself a bit from the gay bars,,,,something 1 of my bois has been trying to get me to do for a little while now and i think he is right. I think it is so weird i call him boi and he is older but  watever..I am really up for doing the str8 bars and or movies and work on the relationship outside of any interference.Anyways it is quite a bit noisier on our street than usual and i am feeling like i am going to be pissed if i lie down and try to sleep i wont be able too.  I digress

Hoping for a bright future

I had a really rough day today customers were aggravating,I felt like i couldnt accomplish anything  and i just felt downright needy*Emotionally*..I havent felt this way in awhile now since i have been suzie sunshine but i guess even the best of us need to have a bad day  I am owning it.I will just have to make sure tomorrow is better.I do know somehow some way i have to get out of the retail hell i am in...Its so daunting i cant even stand it anymore...Maybe the powerball ticket that the guy gave me by mistake is a winner and all of this will be trivial and i will just ride off into the sunset with no worries and just roll around naked in my money . Well anyways  here is hoping...I digress

Back to Reality

My first day back to work today and OMG  I could have killed somebody..I pretty much walked into a place i wasnt satisfies with at all totally below my standards and really 1 person to blame..So sad to say...I powered through thats for sure,makes my quiet time more special and relaxing..Now here i sit after talking on the phone with my boi and missing alll the hanging out we were able to do last week  O well we had to go back to reality.........I am also thinking how i love having my eyes open everyday just a tad bit further to why I have made some of the decisions i have made in the past 6 motnhs I was feeling toxic for so long then i started to realize i needed to change my behavior re-adjusts some things in my life to get to a much happier place...Its true what they say misery loves company,the more i rolled around in self-pity and dissatisfaction  quite a few were more than happy to roll around right with me....Now i dont really have that because i have been elevated with love and support that is so overwhelming all the Toxic has started to fade away every now and then it tries to rear its ugly head,but i know the  key is to keep holding my head high now and dont walk backwards .I digress

Well it has been another great day and i am sitting here before bed preparing myself for a week that i know i am going to have alot to do starting off with calling the electrician and window cleaner soon as i walk in the store because i  hate being in a dark store with dirty windows UGH. Luckily i had a nice restful week because i will need my patience.On the flipside tho my guys and i have decided that next week we are going to start working out together so that we keep each other motivated.I may actually be able to get the 6 pack that i want that you dont buy in a bar LOL.I actually cant wait to start working on my new body..I am actually starting to get sleepy so   I digress

The Future

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Here i sit with my coffee in hand watching Clean House thinking of the wonderful week i had while i was on vacation.I really don't want it to end,I actually had such a full week  with Lou just  travelling around doing stuff together without being in the bars. It really helped me get to know him better,of course I have spent alot of time with him outside of the bars anyways before our vacation but when you spend whole days its totally different.I am sure alot of people just see us hanging out think we are a couple of drunks but it goes so much deeper than that .We actually have a great friendship on top of it.It is really a beautiful thing that i wouldnt trade for anything in the world.Vincent has been wonderful for taking time to include himself as well and indulge a little in the reason i am so happy these days.God i wish everyday could be like the previous but we can only make them better.On the flip-side  i know its going to be a grueling week at work going back into a 6 day work week..Its really bad to say i walked into my store yesterday to make a schedule and i looked around and thought *Carter besides a paycheck What are you doing here?*The cosmetic look of the building is just so disgusting  I want something better for myself.I really do..Anyways it is time for many next steps..putting together a future. .I really never thought before on how i want to shape the future but now i do.It beings right here with the 2 in the pic.  I digress

Lighthearted..

I can honestly say not too often do i come to a point of feeling so lighthearted....  Being on vacation is a big help but it is only part of it..  I am feeling a lot of love right now and finally allowing myself to give into it.. I have been holding back ,I surrender. I have decided that after everything that has happened over the past 8 years that I have earned a bit of happiness...I am thinking that it could only elevate me to the next step of things to come maybe even finding a new job or finding my own dream in opening a business...I feel like anything is possible and thats an amazing feeling..I am thinking maybe now is the time to decide what my dreams are...I have my dream men by my side.. Men Wow... anyways  WOW  i had to say it again  anyways I do have many ideas on what i want to do just not many ideas on how to get there but we will see i have to research...  This is about the time where i would say something that my numero uno buddy Dan Isler will hate...........I digress      Just for you BUBBLES..... Wait i take the Digress back......I want to talk about Dan for a minute....He is truely someone that i have been blessed to have in my life because he has been a major instrument in helping me get to a point in my life that allowed me to be happier.(We dont always see eye to eye)but at the end of the day we always have the respect for each other,,..It what true friendship is all about.. I wouldnt trade you for anything Dan never forget that!   Now i can say it and mean it   I digress

I digress

sometimes blogging isnt the easiest thing in the world when you are trying to keep it current .....I normally have alot to talk about because so many issues arise but not so much to say today..I had another chill zone day doing exactly what i wanted to be doing and thats about it..Great day  I digress

Lessons Learned

Well here is the blog i would have normally posted last night ......I am wide awake today LoL    I just could not complete a thought at all last night i was so freakn tired after running with Lou all day ...We just went everywhere on the planet it seemed LOL so many things accomplished..I love days like that..Then we came back and had a nice dinner with Vince followed buy ice cream on Grandview  at the overlook...It was definately a good start to Vacation..I definately cant ask for more (well yes I can) I do have 1 more deep desire that i hope to bring to fulfillment that would make things almost perfect.I cant share that one with you all tho I just have to keep working at it and see if i can bring it.. However I have learned a few lessons over this past weekend...The biggest 1 tho is that sometimes its not just enough to say what  you feel but to go that extra mile and show it...It paid off in a big way for me to learn that..Now i have to take it to another level and show a little bit more........2nd.....It was brought to my attention that most people dont go and find what they need another person if they arent getting everything they need in 1 person....( fyi) those that do its called  Cheating..  I chose a different path..  Some just chose to break it off...   My path is ..I love different things about both.  Vince and Lou in many ways are the same person.. Lucky enough that they get along and I am lucky enough to have both...I have my head on str8  tired of being judged for it  just wanting to live my life happy as i can be I am keeping them both happy they are happy with me   END OF STORY!  I digress

I am totally in the zone right now..I am late with my blog ,I have been trying to keep up with it everyday but the past few nights were long so i wasnt around to blog so here goes......I had a great time Friday night and into Saturday morning which was a little ruff..I was challenged  which i didnt like because it really almost cost me something i am holding very dear right now,Luckily i was able to handle it.The evening turned out nice because i was with my long term friends for a festive evening and that always puts me in a good mood. Its vacation week and i am hoping to make the absolute most of this week..I guess i dont really have alot to say as i thought i did and i am just writing to be writing ...Thinking its best not to really let everyone know whats in my head    I digress

Open my Heart

Well its another quiet evening up in the bedroom with my blog and my cell phone..I like the quiet and it gives me time to think without interruption of the tv and even Vincent..I had alot of time to think over the past 6weeks and realized that alot of what i post here and on facebook is very vague  most of the time people think its directed a certain way when i am just rambling a.k.a purpose of a blog......I go thru extreme waves of emotions..I do know where most of it stems from Most of mine is finance,family.work related......there is very seldom room for myself i am so busy being the good son,the loving supporting boyfriend,the reliable employee that does work above and beyond the call of my job description........Of course those are all good qualities in a person but I have yet to have yet to be sat down by the main people that should be asking  What does Carter need? How can we help make your life better?Its always take take take....Now someone finally comes along that wants to give and i have a hard time accepting because i am so jaded by only people that want to take from me i am not sure i know how to let someone really take care of me...Thats whats really messed up..I have to to really work on not being so jaded and open my heart..I know i will figure things out much like i always doits just a matter of keeping my spirits high..Its proven good things do come to those who wait..

to Blog or not to blog was the question

Ok so i wasnt going to blog tonite but now i just am aggravated again so i have to speak on all the days events.I went from having a good nights sleep waking feeling refreshed ready to take on the world to being pissed off because of a bad phone connection....I was joking around with Vince theis mornin gon a subject that we had spoken about before  *I am Speaking on it* and he talked down to me like i was an ant looking up at the curb So me being who i am instantly snapped Leading into a miserable morning. headache half the day..Then dealing with the ghetto trash i deal with .... *Speak on it*  I find out that i cant take a little vacation like i wanted to because more bills are coming my way so i have to be cautious which means i cant get the new phone i wanted either However i did get a surprise visit early which was very cool but then here i am home after a long night of financial discussion and dissgusted,,,,,I finally calm down only to get my nightluy check in call wherte i get everything off my chest and feel enlightened before i go to bed only for us to have a bda connection and not be able to talk    *Speak on it*    Talk about putting the icing on the fucking cake!!!!!!!!!!    I digress

Today seemed to be the longest day in history i mean really I was the only manager on duty and being in the store all day is painful not being able to leave....However my other boi showed up near closing on his way to his second job  just to say hi...It was a nice surprise because i was just at the point where i was so over the day..He seems to know the right things to do and when to do them and I appreciate that about him..Then i get home and my dinner is waiting for me when i walked in the door which is also special to me,,,I love that both have alot to offer in different ways..The common denominator is love and affection...Its almost the best thing since slice bread   well it is the best thing...I have to admit its hard to keep up with just the emotion part of everything but hey You only have 1 life to live live well      I digress

Early blog

Good Morning to all and to all a good morning,I am doing my usual routine of watching Charmed and having coffee.Its almost that time to head out to work.I have been doing alot of thinking about what i want to do for a living because at points now i know i cant keep on doing the job i am doing its wearing my emotions thin.Short of hitting the lottery which would be awesome I need to think hard.  I have alot of conversations now about business prospecting and planning out a future instead of just taking things day by day..I am really hoping today goes quick and no boss with me today...I think that i need a peaceful day..I digress

Quiet

Well the countdown start to vacation time I can hardly wait...Emotions were high today pending the full moon which drives me crazy.I dont know I guess i am hoping this week goes quick. I sometimes think of the most stupid things I am sitting here thinking of how quiet my phone has been lately LOL not alot of text messages anymore at least for the past 2 to 3 weeks... I guess I am on the *I aint got you to do list* for a little bit..Since I am out on the edge .I guess its not a bad thing to be quiet for a little ..I actually started working on my fishtank again..and i think i am going to start ebay and drawing again to fill in the quiet times...Its time to say what i always say     I digress

A lucky man

Well another night that i am about to my pillow some head and my bed some ass...I just got in from a night with my bois..Lou is so good to me to us......We always talk about the good things that have come out of knowing one another....I am sure people focus on oh they are hanging out because its all about sex blah blah...but oh contrare..Its mainly that we enjoy each others company to the fullest..Understanding each other fully ,having almost every thing in common from trust issues,to stupid jokes we think are funny.. We have alot of fun and we are starting to get Vince out more as well..its my great escape from life..I feel i need to put this out there  I do have other wonderful friends that are uplifting as well they are not forgotten..Its just a little bit different right now.I am getting sleepy   I digress  I am lucky I am fortunate to have 2 wonderful men that actually like each other

Let me see what to type here...It was a very quiet evening I slept most of the evening away missed everything no pride no going out However the night wasnt  a bust at all. My body was like take a nap..Even tho i love a good drunken party in the streets or just being drunk period..I am taking care of something very important...."Myself". It took me a long time to realize at the end of the day who do you have to be happy with? I am celebrating the greatest Pride right now...Not even about being gay  I am proud  i have Courage. a Job.Inner Strength .I am proud that i am able to stand up to challenges and i can go against the grain and not really care if i am judged on it.I am Proud of the black man I am today that may not have alot to offer,  but alot to offer...I  finally have emotional highs moreso than emotional lows..I am rambling once again because of course after sleeping most of the evening I am wide awake now...O well I digress  its time for more beauty sleep

Anxious

Today was an interesting day slow start but i didnt really think it would be a crazy day..I anticipated a chill day for Lou's Birthday it went well even tho he didnt really want anything for his bday except my time and companionship but of course i had to get him something anyways.We went to see Vincent and he had made him a new design bracelet so he was pretty happy about that..The time just went to fast today I tried to hold onto every single moment cause it was so relaxing not a care in the world We even took a power nap and i never do that.Now i am sitting here back at my anxious point again..Thinking about the troubles of life.(Trust me I have embraced the happiness i do have of my life) I just cant be left to long to my own mind.I hope in a week the vacation will help keep me relaxed and really help my mindset on where i want to work ,can i make a second job work  should i...We will see  I digress

Burden

I feel so exausted today the heat kicked my butt made me feel worn down which in turn made me a little irritable..I feel like i worked twice as hard today to make up for yesterday when i couldnt really get anything done.Its really a shame when people become more of a burden than what they are worth. It puts alot more stress on me and my mind when i have the do twice the work when there are others who can step up to the plate and work just as hard..I cant use names once again because i wouldnt want to shame them.Its really bad when my hands are tied and unable to really do anything about it.You cant make an adult work...Its just amazing to me how a person can be j content with their perfomance. I have found a possible pt position for after i come back from vacation..I will be a bitch on wheels for sure working 2 jobs  O well i digress

My ANGEL

I am so well rested today.I had a very busy day however i started off with some very nice advice  from a friend that i will just call him (My Angel) for now..The things he said made alot of sense not that anything my friends say doesnt make sense however,In a nutshell basically LIVE ....Never wonder what could have been?He is right  It applies to so many things....We took the chance to open Vincents store No turning back  No regrets..Maybe a struggle but we can say we are doing it..(My Angel) may not always say things that i want to hear..but knows when to say the right things that make me say wow. i feel so much better..I had so much anger in me once upon a time and still flares up now and then but the raging  fire has been extinguished.Many reasons to be thankful and grateful.....I am glad i am taking the opportunity that has presented itself for me to know (My Angel) a little better .Yes i am keeping his name secret   He will be the only 1 that really knows who i am referring too. Lots of Love man!I should wrap this up anyways because it is bedtime   I digress

No answers

I am sitting here in a quiet cool bedroom kinda thoughtless and typing not sure what i want to say or what i can say or if at times i may say too much .Who the hell knows?I think sometimes i am damned if i do and damned if i dont....I have always like to be the 1 to push the envelope a bit or step outside the box.I am rambling..I had a great weekend but somewhat of a crappy day...I accomplished quite a bit but i wanted to be any where but there...I just couldnt keep my emotions and my thoughts in order....It happens...I made some decisions that raised  some eyebrows, stirred the pot of  unconventional ,....Hell i am not even quite sure what it all means in this pot?This is greek to me  True Story..I joked at first about the whole 2 bf thing because i know people fear what they dont understand typically but then it kinda turned out not to be a joke.I titled the other guy Bf as well because he stepped in not to take me away from  Vincent or to win me over it was never about anything of a sort he helps me emotionally keeps me balanced for lack of a better term..Both he and Vince would do anything for me...Both are giving me what i need right now  (MInds out of the gutter). ANyway  Once again i dont even know what it all means.What the next steps are..However i think i will keep them to myself when i know exactly what they are..I dont want to freak people out    I digress

Survivor

I am really a Survivor....I have had so much Shit dumped on me this year,from the struggles of a multiple break in  in a house I really never called home to dealing with the antics of Vincents gutter trash ex-boss that laid him off after years of service with no notice..To making sure we keep a roof over our head ..I manage to keep my head held high and in turn I have some absolutely amazing friends in all this turmoil....I actually already know what my next steps will be to ensure my future is happier some are already implemented but i have alot of work yet to do...I said in my facebook post I wont continue to be without I have gone without all my life and whatever legal way i see fit to get what i need i am doing..Step by step i am building a brighter future  I digress

ITS JUST EMOTIONS TAKING ME OVER

I have to say today was the hardest day and longest day of my life..I had to suffer through waiting to hear about moms well being and i have never been the patient person i just wanted to jump out of my skin..I would have to say that i was hit with almost every emotion that i could be hit with today...ANGER,FEAR,WORRY,BITTERNESS,SADNESS,ANXIETY,HATRED  if you could imagine all that rolled into 1 while dealing with a ghetto clientele on the first of the month then you know for sure how i was feeling.I felt everything that i have been feeling over these past months and hiding from everyone.I hate feeling that way.Its ugly and destructive and no good can come of it..Luckily there are a select few that can reel me back in..I did learn from this experience that i need to spend a little bit more time with my mom,and that nothing too much else matters.make myself happy stop trying to be the 1 that pleases everybody Focus more on my needs as soon as i can figure out exactly what they are...I fell off the path I need to think of what my dreams are  and how to attain them... I am rambling so  I digress