Whirlwind weekend

I honestly have to say it was one hell of a weekend,after finishing up a long 51 hour work week...Christmas eve was spent with Vince and his family and then Christmas morning much to my surprise we received devastating news...my moms best friend passed away overnight.It was so heartbreaking to see my mom so upset.It is horrible to lose a best friend,I really just had started to get to know her so well after spending lunch with her and my mom everyday.So Christmas weekend wasnt as enjoyable as it could have been.I miss her already,lunch wasnt the same without her laughing with us .I could still hear her voice and her laugh.She is still that alive in my heart and head.I cant believe we just had lunch together friday afternoon..SO sad.I just hope she wasnt in pain when she went home to god.I hope that her sons can find peace in knowing they had a great mom .I think i have wrote enough for now because i am starting to feel emotional     I digress

Charmed Manor

Well i have to admit so many changes have been happening at such a fast pace its hard to keep up.The holidays are here,I have my house (Charmed Manor) to work on and my mind is just spinning in 50 different directions.  I never expected to have my house back after fucking up so bad and just walking away from it ,unfortunately now I have 2 yrs of catching up to do ...I am really coming down so hard on myself because i let it get to the point where i trusted people to do right by me and that didnt happen...But however now i am back and getting better than ever strong willed and never making the same mistakes again...I actually cant wait to put the holidays to rest so i can do what i have to do to get myself motivated to rebuild Charmed Manor...

Good Things

Well i havent written in my blog for a long time and so many things have happened.I made it through Thanksgiving and just waiting for Christmas to come and go as well.However cutting to the chase of one of the most amazing things that has happened.I have my home back after moving out to leave it to my ex for him o have a place to live ,so i could be with my current..I screwed myself for 2 men however in the long run i was able to recapture what i lost.I am very excited .Also i had one of the most amazing weekends making new friends and learning new things now time to keep pushing forward.

WHere are my dreams!

I woke up this morning after a good nights sleep that doesnt come all that often and i had this empty feeling,It wasn't a bad feeling or a whoa is me feeling but I just asked myself why dont i have any dreams that i want to achieve.Once upon a time i had the american dream and i dont really anymore and now i feel a little lost.I just feel empty.I have discovered something about myself that i have been doing a long time but didnt know the right terminology for it until i was watching Deal or No Deal the other night.Its called Paying it Forward...I honestly think i have been doing it for so long (Its a great thing) but there really isnt any me anymore.That is a huge part of me however has it left me at the point that the half of me that needs to live for myself sometime just gone?I am the biggest critic of myself.I dont really know how to live for myself,go out find my own dreams,.Guiermo My *Bestest Friend* is teaching me alot without knowing he is teaching me alot.Its always an adventure hanging out with him no matter what it is is never a dull moment.He is the white version of me....That really didnt have anything to do with the blog but it hit me while i was writing so it went to my finger tips lol. I hope to find my own dream soon   I digress

Getting some prospective

Good Morning ,I havent blogged much lately because i am pretty mellow yellow right now.I am on staycation and loving it so far.It was a beautiful weekend even tho i had to be there for Guiermo when he put down a family pet.It was a ruff moment but a bonding experience plus i know he would do anything he could for me .I am starting to get really anxious by the fact that we are moving sometime over the next few months.I still feel unsettled .I expected not to move around alot once i moved into my house but here i am ....I also know that this isnt a stationery move .I lik eliving in a house doing whatever and being able to do whatever i want to the place .Oh well it will come again because thats where my heart lies ,eventhough i have no problems with our apartment now but i know what i prefer.Anyways i have finally started to decide on how i am shaping my financial future and what needs to happen to make it alot more secure for myself.(A huge Plus) I guess i should decide soon what i want to do today  Mall shopping possibly with The G and V maybe go see Tim j My buddy ..We will see I digress

Once again I stand alone

I always try to remain positive for friends and family ,facebook but sometimes things just arise that break you down and make you feel like absolute shit.Today i took my mom for foot surgery *Yes very Minor*surgery but its a principal that i am talking about  No One was there for me .My brothers never came to see about their own mother once again....I sit alone in the waiting room after being choked up seeing them wheel her away to the OR yes once again Minor Surgery  but i hate hospitals and i always feel that every time someone is wheeled away it could be the last time you see them *Inner Fear*.I sat alone while other families  Yes families and Spouses were there for other people with minor surgeries Just for support but once again I was alone...What hurts my heart the most is that I can be there for everyone else Lending a hand,lending an ear,a shoulder to cry on but the ones i love the most never asked do you just want me to sit with you ,It just goes to show so many people are out for themselves .Granted i probably would have said no if someone did ask if I wanted someone to sit with me ,but it would be nice to have an option.The Option never came.I will continue being my selfless self because i dont really expect anything in return and i want to continue being that good hearted person my grams always wanted me to be. often people do get what they deserve for being selfish my brothers included  I digress

Why do people Lie?

Welli really dont understand people and you would think after being on this earth for 42 years i would have a good understanding but i dont.I really try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.I myself try not to lie to people and keep it real  Why cant i get the same respect?I actually have the gift of seeing through peoples bullshit.It really makes them look even more stupid.Selfishness always prevails.No matter what.Why would someone pretend that your well being is of concern when it Really is all about themselves?Its just so amazing to me...I guess selfishness ,lying  comes so second nature to people its hard to break away from

No Issues

Good Morning ,I havent blogged in awhile mainly because i really dont have any huge issues that i cant deal with in my own little head LOL.I have been pretty much on the mellow end of everything and just trying to enjoy the fact that i have alot more than what alot of people have and just accepting that..The one major thing that has happened in the past week is that i got my best friend back..We went all summer without a word to each other  mainly because i was afraid of swallowing my pride and reaching out to him.We have picked up just as if we have never been apart.That is true friendship.I love him.I have learned a lesson with this tho friends will always be there and the fact we could easily forgive each other shows that! Other than that nothing else really ,just keeping it moving and being me

Camp Success

Just getting back from an overnight camping trip that i actually needed so bad to just have peace and quiet even tho i I was with a group of teenagers .It is so nice to feel young and treated like just 1 of the guys even tho i act their age lol..I didnt want to leave they didnt want me to leave but the old thing called work stands in the way.I have to say even tho there has been some rough spots i am definately building some new memories and happy ones...I am a little tired tho cause i stayed up late but i will get some rest and back to the grind  I digress

My Guardian Angel

I just noticed that my last blog was a week ago.I guess i dont have alot of issues to resolve through blogging anymore..I have a true voice of reason that helped extinguish alot of anger that i did have..He keeps my mind focused on fun things and not always on reality..I felt challenged for who i am today...I thought i was going to explode but i was even tempered..Man have i  changed. I  resisted the urge of banging someones head off the floor until i saw blood spill..I truely have become a better person than i was 3 years ago.I am proud of who i am becoming..I have to say tho i had a fabulous weekend as always..I am just so damn exausted right now  i have to actually stop writing because my eyes are going cross

Enough said

Blogging isnt as important as it once was for me because i very rarely have things to say or get out of my system anymore here lately..Just living the day to day..Its been a great weekend as usual.i went to a wedding yesterday and had a great, i should say wonderful time.I love meeting new people and communicating, sometimes life isnt just all about being gay I love my str8 folks too lol..I do feel conflicted.I am having trouble accepting someone bringing so much joy to my life. Full force A game every single moment we hang out together is just great in every way ,Guiermo is absolutely wonderful...Jayson isnt any less wonderful  I just feel like Jayson is losing his edge.....I have made alot of sacrifices for Jayson along the way and i want him to do 1 thing for me "Being very stubborn about"and i would think that he would actually be bending over backwards for me  "no Pun intended" but he isnt budging.I think he would be alot happier if he lived and loved a little more like i am doing.True Story! Love and happiness is going a long way way for me right now because thats really all i have is just that.I really feel sometimes he needs to give up control and trust in us.

Special Moments

I am back home again and it has been an amazing day..I started off by taking my mom to see Guiermo for breakfast..They developed a friendship of their own which is so nice because my mother can be a tough cookie  Tough..(There was 1 moment among several today)that made Guiermo even more appealing than ever and that is when my mom and i was at breakfast and she felt a little chilly because of being on blood thinners...He went and found her a sweater and came back and put it around her shoulders tending to her like it was his own mom. That scored major points  in my book because i love my mom so much and that was a touching moment.You surely couldnt resists loving a person like that,,,Then just so many other gestures today that were overwhelming.I feel like i am really being looked after.I can really get in the passenger seat and let someone take the wheel of my life for a change even if it is just for a weekend at a time...I become almost like a kid whose dad is making sure they are provided for fed clothed etc...BTW I am only using an analogy we are close in age...I guess i should say its  a secure feeling...I am thankful; for that and ever so grateful as well  I digress

Take Charge

Today was the point where i had to stop take a look around and think this is it i have to start taking control of my life...Everyday I spin my wheels constantly turning.My surroundings suck....I know i can do so much better for myself than what i am doing,Being the Happier me is making me take a closer look at what causes me grief. I have to start dissecting each 1 by 1. I just know i cant keep going with the worry of finances "Constantly".It is 1 of the biggest burdens on my mind.....I really feel the monkey on my back sort of speak.....I plan to change that in a big way  at least i am going to try my damnest.  I actually feel i have the inspiration now to go forth and achieve .Yesterday for the first time in a long time when Guiermo and I went to walmart I wanted to shop till i dropped.Thats something that i am striving for to be able to spend and not worry about it..Also the other day i talked to an old friend that was so down and out I told him to have a good day and he said I dont really have good days anymore.......God i dont want to be that person   I was that person.. Thank god that I had a few key people walk into my life just when i needed it.....I guess its bad to base most of your strength on friends but they are what i have ...I give guiermo the utmost props because He keeps me Balanced and thats a REALLY big thing for me.He is really Like Prozac for me LOL So not kidding......Vincent can find me hard to handle at times just like many  but he can keep me centered an dpull me back....     I digress I am going to have some tea with vince

Relaxed

I have to say the weekends are the highlights of my week not just because i usually party on friday but because i know  I am going to be less stressed.I made it through a a whole weekend without stepping foot into a bar .Quality time was well spent getting to know someones personality  without the clouded judgement of alcohol.It was great.Now I am preparing myself for another week of inventories.Its ok tho because i am still on my emotional high.    I cant believe I am actually saying emotional high.Its been so long since i have had consecutive emotional highs it so hard to get used too.I feel so tired because my body is so relaxed.  I digress

Not Much to say

Honestly i started this blog to work through issues of anger and bitterness sort o speak but not i often find myself reaching for things to talk about to keep my blog going LOL i guess thats a really good thing even tho i still have anger and bitterness about some stuff it kinda isnt on the top of my list of things to think about right now.The fury of the fire in me has been extinguished for now.Its amazing that someone can have a calming effect over me.I have made some sacrifices and gone against the grain,lost a few "FRiends" note its in quotation marks..ALl at the same time I found out who the true ones really are and those are the ones that i need in my life.Those are the friendships to cultivate and nurture.I was having conversation with a dear friend that knew me when i was in my mid 20s and she complimented on my maturity and growing up,That just reinforced that i am quite capable of making decisions that are good for me regardless if anyone else thinks so or not.I always have relied on my own judgement.OK get off the soap box LOL  I am really just reaching anymore   maybe i should only blog every few days    I digress

New Journeys bring Ne wjourneys

Well Sometimes i guess when you are happy and content it makes you want to strive for even better things in order to change a way of life.Hanging out with Guiermo and hi bein ga tad bit older makes me want to look ahead to the future and what i want it to be like not working like a dog at the age of 70   What will be my retirement age.I had 2 frutiful evenings in a row....One of play and the other of knowledge that can help me shape a much better future for myself...I am not putting it out there exactly what i am doing but i plan to make it big.Anyways these inventories for my work are killers I dont feel like i can go on they take alot out of me ugh.but its in the job description so grin and bare right?I always hated that sayn lol  JUST SAYN..I am beat cause i have been a busy busy man lately  so i will say I digress for now

Dont Look a gift horse in the mouth

I often wonder how it is even possible for moments shared can just keep getting better than the moments before but i guess it is possible because i am living it TRue Story..I guess when you love someones company that will do it.Plus the added news of getting great Inventory results was a a plus. Guiermo cleaned the hell out of my rims on the car and powerwashed  the carpets and its looks and smells great *Stupid little crap * like that is even fun.It has been a rough 8 years for me and i can tell you I am making the absolute most out of the happiness i am feeling right now,It came in a way i didnt expect but i am not looking a gift horse in the mouth for sure.I digress

Sunday Recap

Its Sunday and I am just waking up to brew the coffee and figure out what the plans are for today.I had a descent weekend I havent had alot of blog time until this morning.Friday we went to a house get together impromptu and had a very good time and I learned a few things too..followed by a trip to Blue Moon which was a total waste of time we didnt even have 1 drink..but i did get some sleep when i go tback to Guiermos.Saturday  i pretty much hit the ground running at work bright eyed bushy tailed after having a great evening.Jayson and I went out after work to Brewers which started off boring in turn ending up in a conversation about the apartment and financial stuff which sucks but glad at least that it picked up at the bar a bit.I got to talk to Angel yesterday too and i just love him..I never would have thought that we would become close but we have and that is a blessing..Quality not quantity.but anyways its time for my coffee break then shower  I digress

Guiermo

I can just say that i had a great day today ..I was able to stop and visit Guiermo at his work for lunch and meet his co-workers that were very nice ..It was so nice they knew me on sight.We had Pizza, and Black tea from starbucks that was very tastey.Then i stopped at Pep boys for a filter and stopped at my dentist office so it was a full afternoon and i even got laundry done so that my weekend with Guiermo would be free.I shouldnt forget that i had pizza with Jayson tonite.Pizza 2 times in a day i love it.I dont have a whole lot to say other than i am looking forward to getting off work tomorrow and having a cocktail or 2 and chilling.Perhaps i may get a good buzz but it wont be hanging all night in the bar," Private party" LOL...Anyways I am getting sleepy and silly   I digress

F the rest

Well sometimes you just have to take a few steps back and think i am gonna have to kick a Niggas ass even if they are a women yea call them Niggas too....I get tired of the shade , The users , the "SO CALLED" friends , I could be doing alot better without.....I have been called a "Drama Queen" but oh i am so not I am a pure bitch for sure now....I am going to start making the necessary cuts out of my life now.People that can be on the same page I am can go too. I am over it  Its about me now and only me    Peace out good night

Not even warm

So once again here i sit in the peaceful serenity of the bedroom not a sound to be heard besides the dinging off my phone when i get a text and the light hum of the laptop and ac running. I think i do some of my best thinking up here and daydreaming....I sometimes wonder why cant people be on the same page *Real Talk* I always put forth the effort,but when it comes to something i need or want to happen it is on the back burner...You know why because certain people are secretly selfish.Certain instances can be a take it or leave it situation .I sometimes wonder if people really know they can be on a sinking ship with no life preserver if i dont get what i want hmmm I doubt it.I guess sometimes i can be so harsh.  I digress  i feel a mean streak coming on cause i am a little tired and cranky

Happy Independence Day

I normally wait until late evening before i go to bed to write my blog bu ti figure I wont have much time I am having guest over for dinner and then the firework display.I think tonite will be another bonding experience,alot of memories being built.I have been having some wonderful times.Financially my life is very gruelling right now and its hard to bring about change with that,I do have options that were offered but it takes a lot of thinking about.However,I have to say i am wealthy in love.I am thinking i had to really do something right to have someone willing to do anything for me even kill...Thats an overexaggeration by the way! but you get my point.I cant really mention names anymore because i promised the person that i wouldnt because they want to be private..i respect that.I am happy to have them...God i am not looking forward to getting a second job,but the time is coming.....I just cant sit back and keep hoping and wishing for better things to come.I am really thinking a roomate is in order too even though if that happens i dont think i will spend alot of time at home anymore so its like a catch 22 ya know .I know i will figure this out soon    I digress

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Its so weird that you realize you cant possibly love some one more then when you actually get to see them getting their money.I respect the hell out of  him ..because i know he works hard with multiple jobs.It takes great character and will and determination.He is elevating me and doesnt even know it .I was raised to work hard and have ambition.I had forgotten that for awhile and became complacent .I am starting to remember who i am .I am not someone who just accepts things for how they are get out and do something about it.You want money and nice thing you have to go and get it....I have great respect for him .  I digress

Appreciation

I made it through the long work week and the reward now is i am in a cool bedroom and ready to turn in for a good nights sleep..I just finished talking to my girlfriend Special K and we always have so much to talk about with each other .Its always nice to get a womans point of view on life as well as a guys.She has also been a consistent person that never has judged me for whatever choices i make and will make and totally understands that if i am happy at the end of the day so is she and vice versa.I dont have many doubts anymore on my life that i have chosen to live but it is really nice to just tell someone what i am feeling at any given moment  its a wonderful thing.She knows when i am sad,she knows when i am mad,she knows when i am in pain and feel like i just want to cry,There she is right there to listen to me and offer kind sincere words.Vince has always said to me you dont need a 10001 friends its not about quantity its about quality and i realize that to the fullest extent.He isnt just a pretty face most of the time he does say things that make sense and i chose to listen too LOL. I also appreciate that long term friends have walked back into my life even tho they had never left we had just grown apart,but soon as we got back together it was like time stood still we love each other just like we did 13 14 15 years ago.WEll time to go give the pillow some head and bed some ass   I digress

LONG Week LONG night

I am winding down a 6 day work week thinking Jesus take the wheel becaus ei am on E right now...I am so exausted after coming back off of vacation into a work week like this ..Silly me went out last night with my boi and stayed out to 3am isnt helping but so worthwhile.,,,,I so need another Vacation...this time away on a beach somewhere.O well i guess its almost time to light a fire under  my butt and get moving   I digress

LOve ya TJ

I cant believe here is another weekend the holiday weekend,I am actually looking forward to kiss fms party pod weekend because its old school dance party music and i get to see my boo..I gave myself a haircut tonite ugh every 2 weeks it seems i am cutting my hair or mansscaping..Ha..I wonder what Tim Johns is up too?He is mr wonderful.We are quickly building a bond and i love it.I seem to never really have to go without    1door closes another 1 opens such as life.We really have sooooooo much in common its almost like we are the same person.Kind Warm nurturing.....It is so weird to actually recieve that back once you give it out.  Thanks Tim for being you!! Fo Sho...I think i am going to finish my laundry and watch some Tv ,Call my boo      I digress

Clarity

Well it has been a better day of days I was moving around work like a maniac and I actually had a little sigh of relief today.I woke up with
mental clarity for a change.I actually really would love for this week to move along and get the holiday over with because i  plan to embark on a career change.I have really decided that i should do something different just because everyday i feel i want to just spit on someone and that isnt good by any means.I also have decided i need to isolate myself a bit from the gay bars,,,,something 1 of my bois has been trying to get me to do for a little while now and i think he is right. I think it is so weird i call him boi and he is older but  watever..I am really up for doing the str8 bars and or movies and work on the relationship outside of any interference.Anyways it is quite a bit noisier on our street than usual and i am feeling like i am going to be pissed if i lie down and try to sleep i wont be able too.  I digress

Hoping for a bright future

I had a really rough day today customers were aggravating,I felt like i couldnt accomplish anything  and i just felt downright needy*Emotionally*..I havent felt this way in awhile now since i have been suzie sunshine but i guess even the best of us need to have a bad day  I am owning it.I will just have to make sure tomorrow is better.I do know somehow some way i have to get out of the retail hell i am in...Its so daunting i cant even stand it anymore...Maybe the powerball ticket that the guy gave me by mistake is a winner and all of this will be trivial and i will just ride off into the sunset with no worries and just roll around naked in my money . Well anyways  here is hoping...I digress

Back to Reality

My first day back to work today and OMG  I could have killed somebody..I pretty much walked into a place i wasnt satisfies with at all totally below my standards and really 1 person to blame..So sad to say...I powered through thats for sure,makes my quiet time more special and relaxing..Now here i sit after talking on the phone with my boi and missing alll the hanging out we were able to do last week  O well we had to go back to reality.........I am also thinking how i love having my eyes open everyday just a tad bit further to why I have made some of the decisions i have made in the past 6 motnhs I was feeling toxic for so long then i started to realize i needed to change my behavior re-adjusts some things in my life to get to a much happier place...Its true what they say misery loves company,the more i rolled around in self-pity and dissatisfaction  quite a few were more than happy to roll around right with me....Now i dont really have that because i have been elevated with love and support that is so overwhelming all the Toxic has started to fade away every now and then it tries to rear its ugly head,but i know the  key is to keep holding my head high now and dont walk backwards .I digress

Well it has been another great day and i am sitting here before bed preparing myself for a week that i know i am going to have alot to do starting off with calling the electrician and window cleaner soon as i walk in the store because i  hate being in a dark store with dirty windows UGH. Luckily i had a nice restful week because i will need my patience.On the flipside tho my guys and i have decided that next week we are going to start working out together so that we keep each other motivated.I may actually be able to get the 6 pack that i want that you dont buy in a bar LOL.I actually cant wait to start working on my new body..I am actually starting to get sleepy so   I digress

The Future

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Here i sit with my coffee in hand watching Clean House thinking of the wonderful week i had while i was on vacation.I really don't want it to end,I actually had such a full week  with Lou just  travelling around doing stuff together without being in the bars. It really helped me get to know him better,of course I have spent alot of time with him outside of the bars anyways before our vacation but when you spend whole days its totally different.I am sure alot of people just see us hanging out think we are a couple of drunks but it goes so much deeper than that .We actually have a great friendship on top of it.It is really a beautiful thing that i wouldnt trade for anything in the world.Vincent has been wonderful for taking time to include himself as well and indulge a little in the reason i am so happy these days.God i wish everyday could be like the previous but we can only make them better.On the flip-side  i know its going to be a grueling week at work going back into a 6 day work week..Its really bad to say i walked into my store yesterday to make a schedule and i looked around and thought *Carter besides a paycheck What are you doing here?*The cosmetic look of the building is just so disgusting  I want something better for myself.I really do..Anyways it is time for many next steps..putting together a future. .I really never thought before on how i want to shape the future but now i do.It beings right here with the 2 in the pic.  I digress

Lighthearted..

I can honestly say not too often do i come to a point of feeling so lighthearted....  Being on vacation is a big help but it is only part of it..  I am feeling a lot of love right now and finally allowing myself to give into it.. I have been holding back ,I surrender. I have decided that after everything that has happened over the past 8 years that I have earned a bit of happiness...I am thinking that it could only elevate me to the next step of things to come maybe even finding a new job or finding my own dream in opening a business...I feel like anything is possible and thats an amazing feeling..I am thinking maybe now is the time to decide what my dreams are...I have my dream men by my side.. Men Wow... anyways  WOW  i had to say it again  anyways I do have many ideas on what i want to do just not many ideas on how to get there but we will see i have to research...  This is about the time where i would say something that my numero uno buddy Dan Isler will hate...........I digress      Just for you BUBBLES..... Wait i take the Digress back......I want to talk about Dan for a minute....He is truely someone that i have been blessed to have in my life because he has been a major instrument in helping me get to a point in my life that allowed me to be happier.(We dont always see eye to eye)but at the end of the day we always have the respect for each other,,..It what true friendship is all about.. I wouldnt trade you for anything Dan never forget that!   Now i can say it and mean it   I digress

I digress

sometimes blogging isnt the easiest thing in the world when you are trying to keep it current .....I normally have alot to talk about because so many issues arise but not so much to say today..I had another chill zone day doing exactly what i wanted to be doing and thats about it..Great day  I digress

Lessons Learned

Well here is the blog i would have normally posted last night ......I am wide awake today LoL    I just could not complete a thought at all last night i was so freakn tired after running with Lou all day ...We just went everywhere on the planet it seemed LOL so many things accomplished..I love days like that..Then we came back and had a nice dinner with Vince followed buy ice cream on Grandview  at the overlook...It was definately a good start to Vacation..I definately cant ask for more (well yes I can) I do have 1 more deep desire that i hope to bring to fulfillment that would make things almost perfect.I cant share that one with you all tho I just have to keep working at it and see if i can bring it.. However I have learned a few lessons over this past weekend...The biggest 1 tho is that sometimes its not just enough to say what  you feel but to go that extra mile and show it...It paid off in a big way for me to learn that..Now i have to take it to another level and show a little bit more........2nd.....It was brought to my attention that most people dont go and find what they need another person if they arent getting everything they need in 1 person....( fyi) those that do its called  Cheating..  I chose a different path..  Some just chose to break it off...   My path is ..I love different things about both.  Vince and Lou in many ways are the same person.. Lucky enough that they get along and I am lucky enough to have both...I have my head on str8  tired of being judged for it  just wanting to live my life happy as i can be I am keeping them both happy they are happy with me   END OF STORY!  I digress

I am totally in the zone right now..I am late with my blog ,I have been trying to keep up with it everyday but the past few nights were long so i wasnt around to blog so here goes......I had a great time Friday night and into Saturday morning which was a little ruff..I was challenged  which i didnt like because it really almost cost me something i am holding very dear right now,Luckily i was able to handle it.The evening turned out nice because i was with my long term friends for a festive evening and that always puts me in a good mood. Its vacation week and i am hoping to make the absolute most of this week..I guess i dont really have alot to say as i thought i did and i am just writing to be writing ...Thinking its best not to really let everyone know whats in my head    I digress

Open my Heart

Well its another quiet evening up in the bedroom with my blog and my cell phone..I like the quiet and it gives me time to think without interruption of the tv and even Vincent..I had alot of time to think over the past 6weeks and realized that alot of what i post here and on facebook is very vague  most of the time people think its directed a certain way when i am just rambling a.k.a purpose of a blog......I go thru extreme waves of emotions..I do know where most of it stems from Most of mine is finance,family.work related......there is very seldom room for myself i am so busy being the good son,the loving supporting boyfriend,the reliable employee that does work above and beyond the call of my job description........Of course those are all good qualities in a person but I have yet to have yet to be sat down by the main people that should be asking  What does Carter need? How can we help make your life better?Its always take take take....Now someone finally comes along that wants to give and i have a hard time accepting because i am so jaded by only people that want to take from me i am not sure i know how to let someone really take care of me...Thats whats really messed up..I have to to really work on not being so jaded and open my heart..I know i will figure things out much like i always doits just a matter of keeping my spirits high..Its proven good things do come to those who wait..

to Blog or not to blog was the question

Ok so i wasnt going to blog tonite but now i just am aggravated again so i have to speak on all the days events.I went from having a good nights sleep waking feeling refreshed ready to take on the world to being pissed off because of a bad phone connection....I was joking around with Vince theis mornin gon a subject that we had spoken about before  *I am Speaking on it* and he talked down to me like i was an ant looking up at the curb So me being who i am instantly snapped Leading into a miserable morning. headache half the day..Then dealing with the ghetto trash i deal with .... *Speak on it*  I find out that i cant take a little vacation like i wanted to because more bills are coming my way so i have to be cautious which means i cant get the new phone i wanted either However i did get a surprise visit early which was very cool but then here i am home after a long night of financial discussion and dissgusted,,,,,I finally calm down only to get my nightluy check in call wherte i get everything off my chest and feel enlightened before i go to bed only for us to have a bda connection and not be able to talk    *Speak on it*    Talk about putting the icing on the fucking cake!!!!!!!!!!    I digress

Today seemed to be the longest day in history i mean really I was the only manager on duty and being in the store all day is painful not being able to leave....However my other boi showed up near closing on his way to his second job  just to say hi...It was a nice surprise because i was just at the point where i was so over the day..He seems to know the right things to do and when to do them and I appreciate that about him..Then i get home and my dinner is waiting for me when i walked in the door which is also special to me,,,I love that both have alot to offer in different ways..The common denominator is love and affection...Its almost the best thing since slice bread   well it is the best thing...I have to admit its hard to keep up with just the emotion part of everything but hey You only have 1 life to live live well      I digress

Early blog

Good Morning to all and to all a good morning,I am doing my usual routine of watching Charmed and having coffee.Its almost that time to head out to work.I have been doing alot of thinking about what i want to do for a living because at points now i know i cant keep on doing the job i am doing its wearing my emotions thin.Short of hitting the lottery which would be awesome I need to think hard.  I have alot of conversations now about business prospecting and planning out a future instead of just taking things day by day..I am really hoping today goes quick and no boss with me today...I think that i need a peaceful day..I digress

Quiet

Well the countdown start to vacation time I can hardly wait...Emotions were high today pending the full moon which drives me crazy.I dont know I guess i am hoping this week goes quick. I sometimes think of the most stupid things I am sitting here thinking of how quiet my phone has been lately LOL not alot of text messages anymore at least for the past 2 to 3 weeks... I guess I am on the *I aint got you to do list* for a little bit..Since I am out on the edge .I guess its not a bad thing to be quiet for a little ..I actually started working on my fishtank again..and i think i am going to start ebay and drawing again to fill in the quiet times...Its time to say what i always say     I digress

A lucky man

Well another night that i am about to my pillow some head and my bed some ass...I just got in from a night with my bois..Lou is so good to me to us......We always talk about the good things that have come out of knowing one another....I am sure people focus on oh they are hanging out because its all about sex blah blah...but oh contrare..Its mainly that we enjoy each others company to the fullest..Understanding each other fully ,having almost every thing in common from trust issues,to stupid jokes we think are funny.. We have alot of fun and we are starting to get Vince out more as well..its my great escape from life..I feel i need to put this out there  I do have other wonderful friends that are uplifting as well they are not forgotten..Its just a little bit different right now.I am getting sleepy   I digress  I am lucky I am fortunate to have 2 wonderful men that actually like each other

Let me see what to type here...It was a very quiet evening I slept most of the evening away missed everything no pride no going out However the night wasnt  a bust at all. My body was like take a nap..Even tho i love a good drunken party in the streets or just being drunk period..I am taking care of something very important...."Myself". It took me a long time to realize at the end of the day who do you have to be happy with? I am celebrating the greatest Pride right now...Not even about being gay  I am proud  i have Courage. a Job.Inner Strength .I am proud that i am able to stand up to challenges and i can go against the grain and not really care if i am judged on it.I am Proud of the black man I am today that may not have alot to offer,  but alot to offer...I  finally have emotional highs moreso than emotional lows..I am rambling once again because of course after sleeping most of the evening I am wide awake now...O well I digress  its time for more beauty sleep

Anxious

Today was an interesting day slow start but i didnt really think it would be a crazy day..I anticipated a chill day for Lou's Birthday it went well even tho he didnt really want anything for his bday except my time and companionship but of course i had to get him something anyways.We went to see Vincent and he had made him a new design bracelet so he was pretty happy about that..The time just went to fast today I tried to hold onto every single moment cause it was so relaxing not a care in the world We even took a power nap and i never do that.Now i am sitting here back at my anxious point again..Thinking about the troubles of life.(Trust me I have embraced the happiness i do have of my life) I just cant be left to long to my own mind.I hope in a week the vacation will help keep me relaxed and really help my mindset on where i want to work ,can i make a second job work  should i...We will see  I digress

Burden

I feel so exausted today the heat kicked my butt made me feel worn down which in turn made me a little irritable..I feel like i worked twice as hard today to make up for yesterday when i couldnt really get anything done.Its really a shame when people become more of a burden than what they are worth. It puts alot more stress on me and my mind when i have the do twice the work when there are others who can step up to the plate and work just as hard..I cant use names once again because i wouldnt want to shame them.Its really bad when my hands are tied and unable to really do anything about it.You cant make an adult work...Its just amazing to me how a person can be j content with their perfomance. I have found a possible pt position for after i come back from vacation..I will be a bitch on wheels for sure working 2 jobs  O well i digress

My ANGEL

I am so well rested today.I had a very busy day however i started off with some very nice advice  from a friend that i will just call him (My Angel) for now..The things he said made alot of sense not that anything my friends say doesnt make sense however,In a nutshell basically LIVE ....Never wonder what could have been?He is right  It applies to so many things....We took the chance to open Vincents store No turning back  No regrets..Maybe a struggle but we can say we are doing it..(My Angel) may not always say things that i want to hear..but knows when to say the right things that make me say wow. i feel so much better..I had so much anger in me once upon a time and still flares up now and then but the raging  fire has been extinguished.Many reasons to be thankful and grateful.....I am glad i am taking the opportunity that has presented itself for me to know (My Angel) a little better .Yes i am keeping his name secret   He will be the only 1 that really knows who i am referring too. Lots of Love man!I should wrap this up anyways because it is bedtime   I digress

No answers

I am sitting here in a quiet cool bedroom kinda thoughtless and typing not sure what i want to say or what i can say or if at times i may say too much .Who the hell knows?I think sometimes i am damned if i do and damned if i dont....I have always like to be the 1 to push the envelope a bit or step outside the box.I am rambling..I had a great weekend but somewhat of a crappy day...I accomplished quite a bit but i wanted to be any where but there...I just couldnt keep my emotions and my thoughts in order....It happens...I made some decisions that raised  some eyebrows, stirred the pot of  unconventional ,....Hell i am not even quite sure what it all means in this pot?This is greek to me  True Story..I joked at first about the whole 2 bf thing because i know people fear what they dont understand typically but then it kinda turned out not to be a joke.I titled the other guy Bf as well because he stepped in not to take me away from  Vincent or to win me over it was never about anything of a sort he helps me emotionally keeps me balanced for lack of a better term..Both he and Vince would do anything for me...Both are giving me what i need right now  (MInds out of the gutter). ANyway  Once again i dont even know what it all means.What the next steps are..However i think i will keep them to myself when i know exactly what they are..I dont want to freak people out    I digress

Survivor

I am really a Survivor....I have had so much Shit dumped on me this year,from the struggles of a multiple break in  in a house I really never called home to dealing with the antics of Vincents gutter trash ex-boss that laid him off after years of service with no notice..To making sure we keep a roof over our head ..I manage to keep my head held high and in turn I have some absolutely amazing friends in all this turmoil....I actually already know what my next steps will be to ensure my future is happier some are already implemented but i have alot of work yet to do...I said in my facebook post I wont continue to be without I have gone without all my life and whatever legal way i see fit to get what i need i am doing..Step by step i am building a brighter future  I digress

ITS JUST EMOTIONS TAKING ME OVER

I have to say today was the hardest day and longest day of my life..I had to suffer through waiting to hear about moms well being and i have never been the patient person i just wanted to jump out of my skin..I would have to say that i was hit with almost every emotion that i could be hit with today...ANGER,FEAR,WORRY,BITTERNESS,SADNESS,ANXIETY,HATRED  if you could imagine all that rolled into 1 while dealing with a ghetto clientele on the first of the month then you know for sure how i was feeling.I felt everything that i have been feeling over these past months and hiding from everyone.I hate feeling that way.Its ugly and destructive and no good can come of it..Luckily there are a select few that can reel me back in..I did learn from this experience that i need to spend a little bit more time with my mom,and that nothing too much else matters.make myself happy stop trying to be the 1 that pleases everybody Focus more on my needs as soon as i can figure out exactly what they are...I fell off the path I need to think of what my dreams are  and how to attain them... I am rambling so  I digress

My Mother My FRiend

As we grow older you learn the wisdom that your parents and grandparents before them all had but never knew it was wisdom until you became an adult...I remember my grandmother always saying to us whenever we had an argument or disrespected our mother in any way she would always say "respect your mother you only get one" I always held that dear to my heart just because it keeps me humble and its true...My mother such a wonderful woman  She has always been hard on us but at the same time never judged us and would fight the world for us even tho we are grown man my brothers and I.  My mother is my best friend She is my confidant she is my buddy.She is the core of my being..She probably will never read the blog because she isnt computer savy but I can at least tell the world.I am so thankful for the relationship that i have with her.She goes into surgery tomorrow and i wish that i could switch places with her so she didnt have to go through it even tho its preventive surgery i would rather be the one..I love my mom for all that she is always have always will....I digress

Life

I cant believe here it is Tuesday and I had such a wonderful weekend....I spent the weekend with friends just living life.The nice thing about the weekend was i never thought of any problems ..All fun..I have My new friend Lou to thank for most of it..He helps me alot with my emotional well being..I really think that people are given to us for a reason at any given time..I can be unstable at times and unable to reel myself back in but he helps me alot in reeling me back in ..i have been happier which in turn I have met quite a few new friends and getting much closer to some of my other friends that have been around for awhile....Lou (this has nothing to do with age) but reminds me a little of my dad(in the aspect of being a hardworker) and has soothing words.I am very appreciative he is helping me become a stronger person when i was at my weakest ...Thank you buddy

FUN Day

Well its about time for me to head out and enjoy a day with the my friends at Kennywood..I am so happy to have had 2 days off after a long stretch...It has been a wonderful weekend..It seems like everyday i get emotionally stronger and i want to do big things make drastic changes but not quite sure exactly what they are..I am feeling like now i can conquer the world and want to..I guess sometimes it takes having new prospective in your life to help you realize that YES I CAN! It also helps alot that i have a few friends that really serve as therapist to me  (Not even Joking)...Karen the little shy girl that i had no idea when we met that we would be the best of friends I knew we would get along well but she alone deserves an award for some of the things that i have put on her shoulders and she listens,talks to me,doesn't judge me.I don't know what i would do without her like many of the people i have right now..I couldn't do it with out any of them.I tend to ramble alot but i guess thats why i am blogging lol   I digress

New Adventures

Well it has been quite the interesting day and long week even tho it is only Tuesday...I had to start working till 7 this week and on a 6dauy work week but you know i bitched about it   O well i have to do it its my job   at least i have one so i cant complain..I have a friend older than i am doing 2 jobs so i just need to shut my mouth LOL...I actually had alot of conversation with Vincent today which is really to personal to put in the blog..however i can just say it was refreshing...let each other live a little ...I channel my negative energy into building friendships and its working now its time to help V find a channel  I digress

A New Day

Its time to start a new work week... a 6day work week but ok whatever ...I had a great nights sleep for a change.Now  since i have control over my emotions I am ready to start taking some new steps forward and planning how i am going to deal with financial situations at hand..I need to figure out what kind of pt job i want thats not going to make me want to actually kill someone  LOL then next to figure out what I am doing with the sale of my house.....Baby steps but the key is I am ready to start stepping and now i have support to do so     Lets get this show started 

I digress

The Potential

Finally everyday I grow a little bit stronger and have a lot of faith in better things to come..I have been given a little bit more hope and promise of better things. Its time to just ride the wave..I really dont know what to do with m yself i just want to jump out of my skin..I even had to change my blog title to fit a happier me..I have learned to accept the great rewards and blessings for what they are...I digress

Outside the box

So tonite i ventured out to a bar that i dont go to  to often to spend time  with Big Daddy Tim....It made me very happy that i was invited by Big daddy to come over to the bar  tonite because it means we are getting closer and he thought enough of me to invite me.It just brings me back to what i have been saying all along about the recent choices i have made with friends and how great they are .No drama no fuss Just a good time together .I have to give Big daddy his props..he is not only handsome but funny...

I digress

Another Day Down

Today wasnt a horrible day i dont have alot to say in my blog...3 people that are very special to me in different ways  said some pretty special things to me and just made me feel so good...Then on top of that my ex Scott got in touch with me and i hadnt heard from him in awhile always just seems to know when ever i am very emotional...I never knew how that worked that we are so connected we can feel when each other is in trouble being miles upon miles apart....I am in the chill zone now and pretty even tempered just going to relax and think of the things that make me happy

Holding back the tears...

Its such an effn emotional time right now  what the hell is going on??/ I have finally found some happiness for myself... but all at the same time i have friends in great pain......I just found out tonite that a dear friend of mine lost his mom  which she was like a mom to all of us...She was a  beautiful lady with a fun loving spirit...She laughed with us partied with us and moreless not just a mom but a friend...Even tho i havent seen her in years its so hard to say goodbye...Death is a part of life but why does it have to hurt so damn bad.....I dont even know what to say to scott even tho i know i have to call....Sigh  I need to get some rest i am not thinking clearly righ tnow

Empathy

I am filled with so much emotion right now..Love ,worry ,anxiety,nervousness...I am so worried about my best buddy D.I. He is in such a dark place right now..I love him so much and i want to do everything i can to help pull him back to the top but it seems like everytime i grab his hand he slips..It makes me so sad ...Cause he always makes me laugh and i dont want to fail him now...I dont know what to do?I guess keep reaching for his hand is the best thing to do ...

Love Omg  the amount of attention and love i am being given right now is so off the chart amazing. I am nervous because i now have the power to make changes and embrace a new destiny or at least expand on...my current...I no longer feel that the world is on my shoulders at least not totally thanks to my on piece of happiness... anyhow i am just tired and rambling right now its a half hour past my normal bedtime  I digress

Light to my Darkness

I was thinking back to when i started writing my blog and I named it Ef My life because i was in a dark bitter place of not having alot of money....Stressing,so called friends driving me crazy,reliving the nightmare of being robbed 3 times,Vincents new store opening,....Yada yada....but since then things have started to change...I started deleting a few of the negative people and i was rewarded with better...I have a new great friend Lou thats a little bit older than me but he helps me reason and makes me see that things are not that bad and for that i am truely grateful....Then I have Tim J..That I met face to face for the first time on our Bday,,,he makes me laugh and it seems that we are so evenly matched wit wise that we were seperated at birth  He make sme laugh and so so easy to talk too....Then I have Master Tim D We have known of each other and talked in the bar many times.I was always so intimidated by him because he is a leather guy and i am your average preppy boy but over the week of my birthday we decided to take it to the next level and hang out  outside of the bar,,,I am glad I took the chance to get to know him as well because under the hard core shell lies a gentleman...Then there is David P..another guy very handsome man that i just hung out with in the group in the bar...had no idea that i would be pursuing a friendship other than the bar but then it hits me he is a good guy as well and yea give it a shot....Ross I cant forget about Ross ...He sees the special person in me and he is awesome as well...These are all my newest friends Btw not to slight my other friends.....but in a nutshell its because of them that i am able to move on and balance the other parts of my life  they lift me up high,in most cases treat me like an absolute king..sometimes they pamper me in material things, for the most part they pamper me with love and affection....I am so so so grateful to these guys for giving me light to my darkness!!!

I actually dont have a whole lot to say in my blog right now....Its Monday after a heavy party weekend so i feel blah but alot of interesting things happened so...It was worth it..I learned how much my friends do care about me and then some maybe not so much...I have become better friends with a few people that turned out to be really interesting...I have gained a great friend that pals around with me and doesnt judge totally understands me ....its amazing how some people are sent to you when you need them ...I had been in the deepfreeze for a little while now cold dark trapped in my mind...Now not so much  I digress....

Torn

I am about to celebrate a 42nd birthday tomorrow but it feels so weird to try and be happy when people around me are so sad.....I have so many emotions running through my head right now.....On 1 hand i am happy because i had a great visit today from the Vp of stores ......I am sad for Vince because of his best friend was taken ill suddenly and i know that is hard....I am nervous about taking on a new part time job even tho i dont want to...I am building a great new friendship that is so much fun for me it takes me away from the rest of the problems..Everything is sooooo overwhelming its beyond belief...then on top of it i dont sleep because of i constantly worry about my mom not that she is ill but just because...So it takes it toll...The saying goes that good black dont crack but i know if i continue on certain paths i will age not so graceful anymore and thats the last thing i wish to happen.....I guess for now i have to hold onto the 1 true piece of happiness that i have been holding so dearly right now and its all mine so i cant even share it on my blog...I digress

Who would have thought?

It has been 1 hell of a start to the beginning of May.My birthday week,,,,I went to Columbus for the weekend and had a great time....I dont get away much but it was so nice to do something for myself for a change...Then Osama Bin Laden paid for his Crimes with his life...Its kind of funky to and less human to be happy about someones death...O well...Now i am watching Dancing with the starts and letting my mind just wander unto other thoughts...I am really in the twilight zone right now

ROCK AND A HARD PLACE

You know sometimes its hard to have desires,wants ,needs wishes...Every cloud has a silver lining...Blah blah blah.i think i have managed to find a few silver linings,however it doesnt totally solve the desires part of it. Even tho i will never share my true desires with anyone because they are very dear to my heart  i can share a wish. I wish  i didnt have to always work so hard for what i want....I am a good man,I am there for my family,my friends   but i can never catch a break for myself...I dont ask for much (However i can say that 1 of the best rewards is that i have new people in my life tha tare absolutely wonderful) I just wish i could catch a break!  No pity  party here tho......I had a distant thought of thinking i should just sell drugs or something  but i know i would get caught....O what to do i have no idea,,,,,,but when you know its not working the way it is you have to do something to get ahead...   what does 1 do when you are 42 and confused and conflicted?

EMOTIONS

I WAS THINKING TO MYSELF TODAY HOW OVER THE PAST 6MONTHS MY EMOTIONS HAVE BEEN SO OVERWHELMING,HOPE HAD BEEN LOST,SOMETIMES I FELT I COULDNT GO ON....HOWEVER I DISCOVERED I HAVE REASONS TO HOLD MY HEAD UP ...I AM LOVED...(DEARLY) GRANTED i HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN THAT, BUT I BELIEVE IT NOW AND MY EMOTIONS HAVE BEEN SO HIGH THE PAST WEEK I JUST WANT TO JUMP OUT OF MY SKIN  I AM GOING TO RIDE THE WAVE FOR AWHILE

Friends

It is so amazing to think that i went through part of my life without the great people i have around me right now.. I   love my guys and girls...Everyday i have someone new to chat with and talk to listen to and hang with ...I think i really had to do something right along the way..I sometimes wish that i didnt have to work so that all i had to do was spend time with my peeps LOL thats a fantasy unless i hit the lottery LOL.. I digress  I feel special

THE ICING ON THE CAKE

So many things happened over these past few years that just have yanked my brain in so many different directions  I feel numb  just plain numb.I am in an emotional limbo now that my Mom just told me today that its a possibility that my baby brother could get 20-40 years in prison Fuck MY LIfe..My heart is hurting because i love my little brother alot because inspite of anything that he has done He values family the most just like I do..I know I have to keep a strong faith just because I know if i let go for 1 second I will lose all control .I fight everyday to keep my sanity.I feel the sadness behind my eyes..Sometimes only drinking and forgetting everything is what makes me feel better. It is really unbearable to think i could never see my brother walk free after this My mother could never see him walk free again  and That KILLS Me Inside  Kills me inside i cant even begin to explain that..I digress,,,I cant keep writing because i am feeling overwhelmed

Foolishness

I had the most interesting weekend with friends,,,Too bad  1 friendship ended...O well i never push my beliefs off on someone and hate them to do the same,,,Luckily i am not starving for friends so loosing him wasnt a huge loss  I digress,.,I am so exausted   ..I made it through the day and pretty much just want to be quiet...I dont know what i am going to do this summer once V season finale is over (yeah that was random) LOL I did say i was very tired..I digress ,,,I can barely keep my eyes open

What Grinds My Gears

This topic i can actually take and run 10 miles with it.....I guess as I get older i grow more stubborn ,impatient less tolerant  blah blah etc etc..Sometimes i get angry at myself even   Time Management is my first topic of discussion...For instance tonite i chose to go out and do something that was meaningful to me like spending time with a friend instead of sitting in the house on the internet playing f armville or mindless games like i normally do...I think should i be finding a part-time job to feel the time where i do nothing..I digress....People that state the obvious just to make conversation BURNS ME UP.....People that lie to your face  Hate IT.....Ignorant customers blah blah..Laziness and people that have no drive..,....People that dont want to be friends when things go bad   ...I digress its almost time for bed

I PRAY FOR ANSWERS

Its always another day in the life of EFF my life..I always ask for answers before i lay down to sleep every night.I ask that th solution will come to me..I dont ask for wealth or riches because that is the wrong thing to do. I just wonder how do i move forward? Why do i always go backwards or am forced to go backwards...I am pretty much where i started  7 years ago...Everything that i accomplished doesnt mean much   Yes I have great friends Yes I have a great relationship but there is nothing else..My emotions are shutting down because of finances, its hard for me to feel....I make so many sacrifices Big ,Small...Really when is it my turn? I am nothing but goodhearted to the people I care about....Everyone tells me they understand what i am going through..No! I wish i knew what to do! I hate feeling this way I put up a great front for everyone i indulge myself in their problems so i dont have to worry about mine... I digress

The Sacrifice

Here it is the day of Gaga and i really have nothing to do except make myself pretty  and relax and often coming with that relaxation is too much time to think.I wonder where i have been all these years...I have lost myself or did i really ever have control of myself..I dont know where i lost the ability to trust my instincts,How did i become the person that always sacrifices things for people and I wonder if the shoe was on the other foot would things be sacrificed for me?I guess its hard to know and probably best not to becasue i think in many cases it wouldnt be the answer i would want to hear...So much resentment over the years to let go of....I digress

SOUL MATES

I havent written all week of course because i have  been on vacation and i dont have many issues that i need to work thru when work isnt related "Sad to Say" but I digress....I am just reflecting on the topic of soul mates and how we are givin more than just one.....I feel really good about this, I have the soulmate that I chose to spend my life with and day to day....then i have my soulmates that are best friends, there are 3 .How goofy does this sound but true...I am truely blessed...Just to set the record staright its not a sexual thing with my soulmates  Emotional connection ...Totally awesome experience that i havent felt in 20 years of my adult life or at least i wasnt wise enough to realize it    I digress

Shady is Shady does

I wish i could start my own tv spot..or therapy session because i get the weirdest scenarios that go on around me ..strange ! People get so funny change everyday as the wind blows maybe it sjust me being overly sensitive but I dont think so...I digress...Lets see how this day of the Valentine goes....

R I P Prancer

Well this morning i have so many emotions running through me i cant stand it.....I got a text from my ex that our Dachsund had passed away.....It was hard to keep things together because i was hanging out with Randy  so I just continued to drink....Of Course this morning it hit me like a ton of bricks....Poor Prancer.....  God its been a long 7 months for me..... Robberies, Vincent being laid off, having my new store taken away from me, Now my prancer dying   God Help me! Why ?   I have to pull it together before going to work

Early to Rise late to Bed

Well I woke up super early this morning after going to bed later than i normally do...I dont feel i slept to well at all.It was such a dramatic Sunday that just spilled over into Monday that left alot of questions Why? Well I guess 1 thinks that can apply to the Superbowl but No!My friends got caught in a dramafest that i ended up right smack in the middle,,,Why me LOL? I guess i really dont mind it much because even tho i am much like my mother with the Bitchy side i  have the good nature of my Grams (RIP).She was an amazing woman that anyone could talk to about anything and everyone loved her..I digress.... Its Snowing again and this is really getting super sickening......  Time to Facebook

My Drunken Ass

So you would think i would know better than to do 5 shots and a pitcher of beer last night..I dance danced danced my ass off like there was no tomorrow but i paid for it dearly today when i could barely hold my head up from exaustion...O well have to live life before it passes you by my dad always said.I went to a Superbowl party tonite (after i felt human) which turned out just to be more of a party with me drinking and not paying any attention to the SUPERSUCK on tv..yada yada...I digress.Anyways i learned some wonderful things throughout the day things i really cant even share on my blog....but just to know that some people really care...I digress ...I am done talking and feeling like i need to check my email and go to bed before i head to hellpit tomorrow

Well i am home after a long day of craziness ...to start with a screaming Fetus that the ghetto mother wouldnt shut it up,to the Access card wanna be american express card carriers ....Oddly enough they were all nice when they were checking out Wtf  I actually dont have anything really down right nasty to say Maybe tomorrow

TGIF

Its Friday and it really seems like this has been a long week (not that i want to push time)...I have been up for about 45 mins and  I have facebooked and said hello to all of my friends and now its time to get ready for hell the place i call work..I know alot of checks will be out today so lets see how many ghetto asses i will have walking through today..its so hard to be nice all the time when if you are the slight bit ignorant they want to call home office and report you...Since when has lowlifes deserve to be treated with respect?They are the bottomfeeders of retail

so i am going back to the place i call hell tomorrow.Its draining sometimes to go there a deal with all the crap and the customers omg I never know what kind of story i will have ....I guess for now i shouldnt even think about it I am home in a relaxed enviroment

Hi Folks and welcome to my blog....I am trying this out and have no idea what i am doing but a friend of mine suggested that i start a blog because i always have interesting stuff to talk about in my Effin Life.